Here I go again being honest. Actually, this one was hard for me because it isn't pretty and shows I have a long ways to go. But I want to write it knowing it is probably not just true of me but others too. After all we are all human - trying to be like Christ.
Yesterday I listened to a sermon from our pastor in America on Love - The More Excellent Way 1 Cor. 13. It hit me hard and I was convicted to the core. I lost my love.
From as far back as I can remember people talked about how loving I was -- lovable, loved people, loved the Lord. I did. I loved to love others. It seemed to come naturally. Now I see the last years stole my love. I put up guards and stopped loving because of the pain we went through.
I did love - I gave of myself, my time, money, I was caring, did to others as I would want done to me, I trusted, was helpful and kind... Just in the last few years focused on and prayed about being selfless. It was so hard - why - because I felt stepped on, unappreciated, misunderstood, drained, lonely, and hurt. Even though I knew it was lies, it hurt. And I pulled away. My love was squashed. I was empty and became more empty not doing my tendency - to love. I have became resentful, needy, and wanted others to miss me and my love. I have let relationships go and look for ones that fill and encourage me. I get hurt and upset easily. Not loving wasn't working and hurting me, but I am also wounded and too weary to give.
So like I have learned with forgiveness - we do it because God commanded us to, it isn't fair but it's right and God's way - I have to love. Love is not a feeling, love is a choice. Choosing to think and act out of love. God loved me so I am to love others. It is command He gave us. He loves unconditionally so I have to love those who don't deserve it. God selflessly gave - gave himself - out of love of us. And it is by love that others will know I am the Lords.
I need to love - when others don't deserve it, when I don't feel like it, when I get hurt, when I get nothing back. That is hard! Honestly, I can't do it. So it has to be God. God in me - love in me. His love allows me to be His love to others.
Without love any faith, knowledge, gifts, giving...are useless.
Lord, forgive me for letting love go. Help me love again. I need You. Change my heart and mind. Fill me with love that is patient, kind, doesn't envy, boast, not proud, or rude, is not self seeking, or easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil and rejoices in truth, it protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres...it never fails.
Pray for me as I love from God's love once again.
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