Hope When it's Hard

I'm struggling a bit right now.  Not sure why but I've been here before.  I've survived and I have thrived on the mission field - I'm somewhere in the middle right now.  After almost 22 years on the mission field I wish I could say I'm doing great, but I think there are seasons to life on the mission field.  If you have never lived on the mission field, I find it hard to explain.  One minute I long to go somewhere, enjoy modern comforts and beautiful places, be in a familiar place where things make sense, be with family and friends...and the next moment I feel panicked at the thought of going and being somewhere else and want to be right here in my home I love, in the quiet village, a part of the ministry and people we partner with.  It is up and down, back and forth, love and hate.  Then I conclude I don't want to be anywhere really - scary.  But it always makes me conclude that is how it should be - I am not home.  I long for my Heavenly real Home.

I know you might see our amazing travels and conferences around the world and think, "What a life! Really, she struggles and is lonely and bored?"  Yes, we have the gift of travel in missions, but it comes with weeks and months and years of living in the village of a third world country. 

Although I love living in the village, at times I struggle with loneness and boredom.  I have nothing on my calendar many weeks.  (Josh does daily as the missionary doing ministry.)  Yes, I have homeschooling, cooking, household things and church, but no evening plans, no get togethers with friends, no sporting events, school activities, family gatherings...not even a good store, park or coffee shop.  I like having things to anticipate or plan for.  Every week is a lot like the last week.  Routine is a great gift but it can also cause boredom.  We make things special and do things to enjoy life here, but sometimes I just want it to be part of life not have to seek it and make it.  Do I even make sense?  I do recognize that because we have to be creative to have fun, we have the blessing of making some pretty incredible memories.  Even as I write this I am reminded how precious a quiet, routine life is.  Most nights my family (teenagers down to 3 year old) are all playing games together, we sit at the dinner table each night sharing and usually laughing, I know what everyone is doing and how they are doing.  We are together.  I do treasure that.

My life is so different from most of you in the States.  All I hear about is that you are too busy.  You have too many activities, too many events, too much everything.  You have weekends, vacations, a day off, and holidays.  Many of these things are unheard of in the village.  You can go anywhere, be with people (of your culture or family), buy anything needed, go to the woods, beach, park...  Normal for you is not normal everywhere.  And then there is summer.  No such season here.  It is always hot - but no AC, no swimming, no camping, no lakes, no outings.  I hear about all you are doing and have to choose not to be jealous.  This is one of the many reasons I am not on social media.  I can't see it all.  My heart will be divided.  I need to focus where God has me.  This helps me to be content where I am. 

I am surrounded by neighbors but I can still be lonely.  People who get me, share my heart with, have fun with...  I love the people here and many I can call family, but it doesn't replace our family and friends in the States.  Honestly, I can become quite hurt in my need for people.  I start to think about all the people who don't write or call and have certainly never visited.  People I thought were friends or family I had hoped would care.  Ouch, sounds so mean.  Sorry.  I told you the lies can creep in.  Really, I get a few comments when I write something, a dozen people write after a newsletter - more if it is a really good one and not summertime, I have a few faithful family and friends who keep in touch...but what about everyone else?  Are we just forgotten?  Really not that missed, loved?  Everyone just moves on with life, without us.  What a slippery slope of lies.  I have to be so careful.  For along time I thought I don't need it and have overall learned to live without.  My life is pretty full here.  But I do need it.  We all need each other.  Honestly, I fail to communicate and connect a lot too.  I get it.  I am sad when I think about 22 years on the on the mission field and how few people really took the opportunity and invested into coming to see the ministry and share our lives.  This is who we are, especially our kids.  I can't tell you how many people over the years have said they want to visit but never do.  I have learned to tell my kids, people say a lot of things but don't always do it.  Then last week I wrote about the sudden death our dear friend Kebiya from Nigeria.  I got five responses.  In my pain the loneliness was magnified.  I had to choose truth when the lies are trying to discourage me.  We are not alone, not forgotten, not unloved...people are just full in their own lives.  They do care and I know they are praying for us.  Most of all I have to realize no one can satisfy me but Jesus.  He is always with me, cares, knows, and loves me.  Always.

I also realize that not all missionaries and mission fields are the same.  I begin to compare and am discontent.  Comparing is so dangerous!  We are all called missionaries yet one is in the city where their kids go to an international school, they have malls, and go to the beach on the weekends, and another is so remote they have to drive 8 hours to get to their home.  One is in Europe and another is in the bush.  One lives almost normal life in the States and others live where their lives are in danger.  I'm not sure what do to with that.  I know everywhere has it's good and bad.  I am so human too.  I lived in Michigan two years unexpectedly and for hard reasons, and all I wanted to do is get back to the mission field - back home.  I had to realize the mission field is where God has me at the time.  Sorry I am such a mess God.  So glad You plan my life!  I have said many times from Nigeria to today I have learned sometimes being a missionary in the village is a privilege and somedays I say, "why me?!".       

Then there are all the short term mission trips that come to Uganda for a week and go back to the States, yet I don't get to just visit the States.  Most of the time I have to wait a year or two before we can go.  I have missed three of my siblings weddings, next month I will miss my nieces' wedding and I wasn't there for four grandparents funerals.  Not to mention all the births, birthdays, graduations and everything else.  I wish I could go for a week for special occasions.  Actually, deep down I don't.  Who wants to travel three days and 7 time zones twice for a week?!  It isn't practical, doable or feasible, especially with a family.  But the point is the sacrifices are real and painful at times.

On top of it all, I don't always physically feel very good living here.  I don't know if it is the heat, allergies, body reacts to emotions, or everything.  I have been really trusting the Lord for healing in this area.  There is no where to go to get good, trusted medical help.  But I know the One who made me and is all powerful!  I am also fighting the spiritual battle in this too.  God gives me life abundantly! 

Before you really begin to worry about me (and think I need to get off the mission field and get help), let me say that in my lows, discouragement and lies that I struggle with I am learning or learning again that I need to find my contentment in Christ.  I need to find satisfaction in Him. Only He can satisfy.  He is enough.  More than enough!  I am complete in Him.  Full not lacking anything.  I know when I struggle there is a spiritual battle and the enemy is trying to discourage me.  I am praying, claiming truth, and looking to my Father.  He helps me and heals me.  I am putting my hope (waiting and trusting) in Him and He will renew my strength! (IS. 40:31)  And I will persevere.  I know I have it good.  I am safe, healthy, there is peace...  How many of God's family and His servants aren't suffering?  Certainly I can persevere in my little hardships.  Because the reward is worth it - the Bible tells me so!  As I persevere God is making me more like His Son.

So I am not at my best right, but that's ok.  I am not asking you to do anything.  Jesus is taking my brokenness and going to make something beautiful out of it.  Isn't that hope?!  He is my Ever Present Help in times of trouble.  Thank you God!

Heb. 4:16 I am invited to come to my Father in my time of need and He will give me mercy and grace.