Our Baby

April 12

As some of you know Josh and I had a miscarriage. We have been trying to get pregnant and it has been quite an emotional roller coaster. The end of March we had two tests tell us we were not pregnant and I was so upset. But as the days went on our hope increased. I checked again and found out I actually was pregnant. I told Josh we were five week pregnant. Our baby was due December 5. We planned to tell Lydia and Grace and our family the next weekend. Josh was even excited to tell our friends here in Ateso. We could finally begin the plans to go home in the fall, speak at our churches, put Lydia in school, be with family again, and have a baby. I was so excited. I love being pregnant. We have been praying for this and now we were praying for our baby already forming inside of me. I was so thankful!

But our joy didn’t last very long. Last Thursday I told Josh I was pregnant and on Monday I began spotting. I was immediately worried. Tuesday I went to the OBGYN in Soroti. He listened to me then examined me – the most painful exam I have ever had. He said he didn’t think I was pregnant because the uterus was still small. He then sent me for a scan. There he confirmed that there was no baby. I was totally devastated. I cried as I drove around Soroti looking for a place to be alone (there isn’t a place). Was I that dumb to think I was pregnant when I wasn’t? I couldn’t understand. I felt pregnant – nausea and all.

I went back to the OBGYN to have my blood and urine tested. I could not believe what I was going through. First I was examined in a little make shift office with nothing covering me and now I was having my lab work done near a filthy, smelly, fly infested area. The latrine where I had to collect urine was just that, a latrine. I thought about our doctors in Michigan that are so sterile and orderly. The only thing I like about it here is that it is cheap and quick. But do I trust them? Oh, what I would give to be able to know if the lab and doctor knew what they were doing. (The lab lady thought all my moles were mosquito bites – and she went to school).

My lab tests came back saying I was indeed pregnant and have malaria and a urinary track infection. (And my arm is now black and blue from the vein the lab lady broke taking my blood – ouch!) I do not believe I have malaria because I do not have a fever nor am I deathly sick. Everyone seems to test positive for malaria here. (It cannot be trusted.) The doctor still does not think I am pregnant, prescribes some medicine, and told me to return in two weeks. I was SO confused!

I went home and unloaded on Josh. Now what? Just sit and wait two weeks to know what is going on? I am not a patient person. I wanted to know if I was pregnant or not and why I was spotting. Josh was certain we are pregnant and was hopeful that everything would be okay. We don’t trust the doctors or lab here, so maybe they are just wrong. I needed to talk to someone so I told Angie everything. She listened and offered the advice she could. We called the OBGYN in Kampala and he said to wait and see too. Then I went to God and cried out my heart to Him.

Wednesday I began to loose hope. I did not feel pregnant anymore. I wasn’t nauseated like I was a couple days ago. And the spotting became bleeding. I told Josh I thought we were loosing our baby. He however held onto hope. I didn’t know if I wanted to let myself hope. To top it off, we watched the Waltons at night and it just happened to be about the mother getting pregnant and having a miscarriage the baby. I just couldn’t believe it. Was God preparing us or what?

I prayed that God would save this baby – He can do all things. I asked for the bleeding to stop to show us everything would be ok. Thursday I had a touch of hope again because I felt nauseated again, but I was also still bleeding. My abdomen has been tender since the beginning but now it started cramping. I began to really worry. I went to the internet café to read about miscarriage and tubal pregnancies. They described my symptoms so I was ready to go back home and tell Josh we needed another scan to make sure we didn’t need to go to Kampala for treatment. But when I got home I knew I was really bleeding. I went to the bathroom and found out I miscarried.

I asked Lydia to get Josh from next door where they were having a meeting. Josh came into the bathroom and knew right away. We just cried. Josh went and told Angie. Our Ugandan friends saw him crying so Angie shared with them and they began to pray for us. Josh and I sat in the bedroom in tears. Josh said he kept hope till the end but now it is all so real. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I was tired. Angie came in and gave us her love. It felt like all our dreams for the next year were shattered. I planned for so long to be pregnant this year. No going home? I needed that to look forward to. We have had so much discouragement living here. Struggles, frustrations, sickness…what next – I’m scared to ask. Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Still our pain lay in the fact that our baby was gone.

I longed to be with our families. I wanted to cry with them and be near to them. I called my Mom and told her what happened. Later Jenna called and shared in our pain. The next morning Jeremy and Sonja called and cried with me. She also called my doctor for me. Josh talked to his Mom too. I needed to be reassured from them that we are mourning our baby and that is ok. It is also a comfort to know people are praying for us now. The joy we thought we would be sharing with them this weekend ended up being sadness.

I am surprised how tired and kind of sick I have felt since the miscarriage. I just want to lie down all day, but it is getting better. I am very down and emotional. I am thankful for Josh. I just need him near by right now and the girls need him. (The girls just think I am not feeling well.) It is a process of mourning. Mourning our loss, our hopes, plans. I have prayed through this whole journey. God knows every thought, feeling, desire. He has a plan. I don’t know it or understand it, but God is in control. This baby was His from beginning to end. I know God will teach me something through all of this. I know I understand better and feel more for women who have trouble getting pregnant. I know my plans and desires need to be done under God’s will and I need to accept that will even when I don’t like it. Faith, it is what gets us through hard times.