Shaarda's Story - It's God's Story!

Friday, February 28, 2025

Now that's hot!

Is this for real?!
Feels real.

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Adjusting back to the Mission Field

Thank you everyone for praying for us as we traveled back to Uganda and for our adjustment back to life and ministry in Obule. I am so grateful everything went well and was even peace filled. My prayer coming back was that we'd feel at home again, everything was working at our house and that the heat wasn't too bad. Well...two out of three is pretty good. When we arrived in Uganda we stayed with our friends, and it was a huge comfort to our family. It felt so good to be back with our friends, wanted here, and their hospitality made it easy to rest. Our truck, new to us, worked great and the AC was wonderful! Such a blessing not to worry about breaking down or AC going off with each speed bump. On our way to our home in Obule, we stayed in Jinja to make the trip easy, continue to adjust to the time change, and get a few things. It was so nice to just relax before restarting life here.

Six days after starting our journey, we made it home to Obule. We were warmly welcomed by a small group of friends, neighbors and co-workers. The house looked great and the kids were excited to be home and see their things. But boy was it hot! Over the years we reminder ourselves, "Everyday will get better." So far it seems each day is hard work.

I am thankful everything was working in our home and no bug invasions or worse. However, restarting life here is a lot. We had to figure out internet, which ended up working very well this time without satellite. Our rainwater tanks were of course low with dry season and in need of a good clean. So a day of paying people to clean and fill the tank and that was ready to go. We restocked the house with food, unpacked the bags, sorted, cooked, greeted people, prepared to restart homeschooling...all in about 100-degree temperatures. I was tired, hot and grumpy.

The kids do better than I. Luka got right back into things with his friends (who, thank you Jesus, haven't left for boarding school yet). He weightlifts with them every afternoon and they play soccer down at the school with everyone. I am so thankful to hear Luka say he was happy to be back. Emalai and Makai enjoyed making their room together, playing with their old toys, and seeing their friends again. They don't complain about the heat which amazes me. Makai does however do life in just his shorts most day. They seem to just adjust. I hear them say, "My memories are here. I love it here" one moment and the next, "I miss Michigan. When can we go back?" It's a mix forsure. A transition.

We did come home to some discouragements. Our big, beautiful shade tree in the front yard also caught the tree disease and died. (I'm crying!!!) The goverment decided to make the "road" in front of our house a wider, marum road so everyone will loose their trees along the road. My trees! Our privacy and shade...I need them. And there was some sins and lying that made a mess of course and brought disappointment and discouragement to us and others. The enemy can quickly whisper, "Are you really making a difference? Is it worth it? They will never change."

Thanks be to God He is my truth!

In my devotions I read 2 Corinthians 2:1-11. Paul understood missionary life and the love for his people and the distress, anguish of heart and many tears that came with. It always comes back to forgiving and grace. Correction needs to be followed up with reaffirming your love.

And then, the snake. As we were preparing to return to Uganda Makai kept saying is there poisonous snakes there? I don't want to go it there are snakes there! He had several nightmares with snakes leading up to coming back too. We prayed with him and asked for God's protection and no snakes in our property. Well a few days after we arrived at dusk, I was in our porch and heard Emalai and Makai scream and take off running. Next thing I know the boys were killing a snake on our sidewalk by the porch door. I was SO thankful for the boys, Luka's friends! Once it was safe I ran out to find my traumatized kids. Emalai was crying and shaking. She did not want to sleep that night. We kept focusing on God protected us. I didn't think she'd go outside anymore, but thankfully she has been fine. Playing outside and trusting God. Makai did pretty well. I am not sure if he's putting on a front or if he really is cool with it all. He thinks it's awesome he saw a spitting cobra. Not me!!! This is when I have to choose not to fear. I have choose faith over fear. To trust God. To see that He kept us and will again. My friend said, "wow nothing like a literal picture of satan at your doorstep trying to get in." So true. He is really trying to discourage and make us think why are you here.

We began homeschool again. It's hard when it's 100degrees in the classroom. I do not feel like I have the gift of being a teacher. I feel so divided. I need to help Emalai, Makai needs to be taught, Makai wants us to play when he is done, I need to make meals from scratch, I want to communicate with friends, I want to update people, I should be a part of the community and ministry...and I really just want to sit and relax but it's too hot. Homeschool is a full time job and so is living on the mission field. I am thankful the kids are doing well with it all in all. And I am thankful for their grace and learning to continually give myself grace too.

We got to celebrate Makai's 5th birthday on Feb. 16! It was simple and nice. He wanted a grinch pancakes, a grinch cake and Indian for supper. He just loves it and beams as we sing to him. He takes it all in as we read our cards to him and tell him why we love him and are thankful for him. At the end of the day he said, "thanks everyone for making my birthday special!"

On the 19th we celebrated adoption day, the day we went to the hospital to get Makai. Makai seemed to enjoy another day celebrating him. We went to the pool in town to have fun together. At lunch we were telling Makai how special he is, how God chose us to be his family, how much we love him... He seem to get tears in his eyes and we asked do you understand adoption and why we are celebrating today. He said yes. We asked does it make you happy or sad. He said both. Oh how true. He is so smart and a deep feeler already at this age. At night he told me he wanted to be born again so I could give birth to him. I tried to assure him I am your forever mommy and you grew in my heart. I am so thankful for our Makai!!!

Church was hard Sunday. I woke up with sinus headache above my right eye. We were warned our church finally got the dreaded sound system and we began to hear it around 8:45am from our house. I already had a bad attitude. It was so loud in church. Seriously, you will damage your ears if you are in that each week. I wanted to worship. I loved everyone's singing, dancing and enthusiasm, but I was mad. How could we do this every Sunday. I was grieving what was. I prayed a lot. God help me, what do we do, how do we do this... Makai had his sound proof headphones on, Luka sat outside, and Emalai was as far from the speaker as possible but it didn't matter. After worship during testimonies my vision started to go which means I was getting a migraine. I told Josh I had to go home and take medicine. Makai and I went home, layed down and made his birthday cake. After church we went back because they had cooked lunch to welcome us back. We did have a nice, quiet lunch with our friends and I was headache free. But what about next Sunday? I have been praying about if all week.

Since returning to the village Makai has had teany tiny itchy bumps on his body, a dry cough and itchy eyes. I put him on allergy medicine hoping it would help. On Tuesday he couldn't stop coughing all day and by night he was exhausted and wheezing a bit. We asked people to pray for him seeing he was going down hill. By Wednesday morning we saw improvement and by noon his symptoms were gone. God heals and answers prayer! I was so encouraged see God at work and with us.

Josh is trying to balance restarting life here, family needs and his job. That's hard right now. Everything is demanding. I said to him I think living here takes so much that you can't get your real job done. He agreed. We know it will get better but some of it is living on the mission field and that takes a lot more work. He is busy trying to be apart of all his meetings, continue to write the marriage course, reconnect with co-workers with FIC here, and help care for and love his wife and family. Definitely praying for him!

I'm going to leave it at that. Yup transitions are hard, living here is hard, but God is with us, had called us, and is our help. We are doing well because of Him. Thank you everyone for your prayers for us!

Enjoying a treat in Uganda - before the village.

Back in Uganda

Dry season - hot and dusty!

Welcome home!

Prayer to thank God for our arrival.

Enjoying fellowship with the FIC leaders.

Our home.

They are happy to be home!

First meal back from our friends.

The mess of unpacking and sorting...

Cleaning and filling the water tank.

Cooling off with friends!

Is it true?! Luka thinks it's wrong - I hope so!

Lots of trips to town to get stuff.

The snake!

Our beloved Makai!

Lunch at church.

Happy adoption day Makai!

Friday, February 14, 2025

Freedom!

Our time in Michigan this year we asked God to open doors for people in Michigan to know and use Freedom in Christ. God answered!

I cannot tell you how excited I am to see Jesus set people free!!! It encourages my faith more than anything to see a life transformed by Jesus and His Truth. It works and it is real! I saw women go from being bound by the past, trauma, depression, unforgiveness, pain, fear...to free, forgiven, knowing who they are in Christ, having peace, sleeping, their minds quiet, their bodies healed and home becoming a place of light. They didn't trust. They didn't know what love was or how to give or receive it. They couldn't be vulnerable or have emotions. They felt unloved, dirty, alone, unworthy, worried and afraid.

Now they know they are worthy, pure, cleansed, loved in Christ! Living out who they really are, who God says they are.

How did they do it? They came to Jesus. They confessed and repented of their sins, forgave those who hurt them, got rid of the lies, broke soul ties, renounced vows and generational sin and received God's Truth. Jesus is the Healer. He has power to heal us. He wants us to be free by His Truth.

I am humbled and honored to have gone through this process with these ladies, my friends. They are brave, beautiful, and free!

But I will let their testimonies speak for themselves.

SET FREE

As many of you may already know, I didn't have any great upbringing. For the newer people here, I will quickly recap.

My childhood was confusing and difficult. I endured about 8 years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

I witnessed many suicide attempts, rape, violence and many disturbing acts all before the age of 8.

There was always beer at home yet rarely any food. We outgrew clothes, had holes in shoes, and lived in filth. I was constantly walking on eggshells in fear of getting yelled at or hit.

Foster care wasn't pretty either. I went to several homes during this time period. Then eventually one last one after the death of my father where I stayed until 16.

This all left me with a life of fear, anxiety, ptsd, depression, suicidal ideations and often, self harm with occasional suicide attempts. Whenever I tried to end my life, and failed, I beat myself up saying, “you couldn’t even do that right….what a loser.”

Not only was i mentally and emotionally broken, I was chronically ill for most of my life. I had chronic respiratory and lung infections constantly along with asthma.

I also contracted a lifelong disease. I haven't ever spoken about this part due to the shame that comes with it. But it kind of comes with the experience unfortunately.

I contracted a sexually transmitted disease called Herpes. It's been manageable with medication but incredibly painful and there is no cure. It became much worse upon entering into perimenopause which brought terribly painful periods and the pain would trigger more shame. I assumed no one could ever understand. I mean, who talks about this stuff right? Just saying the word “sex” makes some people squeamish

When I first came to Heart to Heart, I had tried to do much of the work of healing myself. I had been through therapy, and worked on most of my issues. But there was still brokenness that needed to be peeled away layer by layer.

I was very doubtful any of you would want anything to do with me. In all honesty, I wanted nothing to do with you all. I also hated myself. Why would any of you want me?

But, lo and behold, you did. I even tried to push people away. I figured, “Well once they know this part about me, they most definitely will quit on me. I have way too much baggage.” I cracked a lot of jokes, but it didn’t really fool any of you and brought you even closer to me.

You all helped me towards a journey to true freedom. Thank you so much for this. I keep waiting for the feeling to go away, but it just doesn't!

I have been grumpy and you fed me. I was sad, you all cheered me up. I said I didn't want hugs and you all respected that. That alone brought healing and helped me learn to trust you.

Joyce encouraged me to go to Set Free which planted a seed in me a few years ago, and she watered and nurtured that seed. Then when it was time, Mandy made me go. And thank God I did. I did the steps, wrote all of the yuck down and burned it. How freeing that was!

God set me free from so many things that Satan used to have control over my life and my opinion of myself. I realized that I had believed lies about myself and about God and I was shown the truth from God’s Word. The lies were very powerful but God’s truth is even stronger.

Because:

Since doing the steps, I have had zero symptoms of Depression, ptsd, no more flashbacks, nightmares or triggers.

I have no more feelings of rejection. I no longer want to self harm. In fact, When I pick up sharp objects, I am reminded of God's love for me instead.

I have been symptom free from the Herpes virus so far. I didn't even ask for freedom from that. But I guess it was included in the freedom package. Bonus!

Now-

I feel lighter, no more tension in my chest, shoulders or pelvis area. I feel happier and am eating regularly. I feel clear headed and have more clarity and creativity. I started painting and drawing. I have so much more energy and am sleeping a full 8 hours a night!

I don't beat myself up like I used to. I am now hugging people?! We will see how long that lasts. Don’t go overboard guys.

I have a literal sense of freedom. I feel more independent and confident. I feel a sense of cleanliness and purity. I feel as if literal shackles have fallen off of me and continue to during worship. I hear literal chains breaking in the spiritual realm. It is truly incredible.

Now I feel:

Wanted, loved, accepted, needed, important and like I matter because I know who I am in Christ Jesus. I feel clean, not dirty or shameful.

It’s not the Steps that set me free. It’s the Holy Spirit—the Spirit of truth—that set me free.

Thank you all for leading me through this journey.

And praise God for setting me free!

This past year has been an incredible journey of self-discovery. I have lived with PTSD pretty much my whole life. The best way to describe how that feels to someone without PTSD is to imagine a Yo-Yo master. There is someone in control of the Yo-Yo, much like God is in our life. However, a slight twist of the wrist or an object in the path can throw the whole Yo-yo out of wack. With PTSD, I was like the YO-yo. A smell, A sound, A certain person, even a certain look could send me back to my past. A past that was full of physical, mental, and sexual abuse. Growing up, I learned many coping skills, some healthy and some not. I took a path full of addictions. Started with food, then alcohol, drugs, and sex. I built walls and always listened to the enemy's lies. I knew I was a mistake; I was unlovable, a failure, destined to be alone, and I felt as if the world was against me. My heavenly father would always come and pull me back, but sometimes, it took me a while to get back on track. I could see God using me like the yoyo master does, showing his glory and letting his light shine through the brokenness of my soul then the enemy would throw something else in the path, and there I went again. Until last year, when I shared the testimony of my past with the Heart to Heart group, I didn't really know what love was. Not that people didn't love me; it was that I didn't love myself, so anyone who showed me love in my eyes was fake. I mean, after all, I was a mistake, right? When I decided to start the steps to freedom, I was determined to do it on my own. Mandy and Josh helped me get set up, and I started. I went through the steps on my own, but I could feel that there was so much more I needed help with. After doing it on my own and still struggling to forgive people of my past, I reached out to Mandy for help. I had a vision during this time, and it surprised me. I was driving, and I saw a dark hole or tunnel with a dirty, bloody hand reaching up to the light. I knew it was my hand it was one of the strangest things I had experienced up to that point. After that, I decided to go to set free ministries, and I was blessed to have Mandy by my side to be a prayer partner and to have someone to lean on. Let me tell you, the spiritual battle is real. The opposition I felt before I even went was incredibly strong. My vehicle broke down twice, and my husband's hours got knocked down to 24 a week I was spiraling we already were living paycheck to paycheck. The trip to get Danilo wiped us out of everything we had saved. Yet I refused not to give up, and I made it to that first appointment. The first thing I saw was on the wall, there was a picture of Jesus in the back, almost like a blur, but up front was a lamb that he was chasing. I remember thinking, " That's me thank you for coming after me yet again, Lord. During that appointment, the enemy was there trying to stop me from moving forward. I was asked to read a verse out of the bible, and I couldn't. The words were all over the place and blurry. When my prayer partners prayed a quick prayer for me to be left alone. The words were back in order, and we continued. There is not enough time for me to go into everything that happened and that I felt during that first appointment. But I will share with you that at the end of the 8-9 hours, I was extremely exhausted. It felt like I had been doing physical labor the whole time. Yet the noise that was in my head was gone. It felt strange, and I'm still learning how to live with this silence. Again, there is not enough time to go through my next two meetings, but I want to share the opposition I had and the freedom I have found. I asked the Lord to help me remember my childhood because, looking back, I had a lot of dark spots, and the things I could remember were downright disgusting. I went to bed each night that next week using the tools I was given to forgive the person in the memories I had. Some people I had to forgive multiple times, and I'm still forgiving some now. After all, Jesus tells Peter we are to forgive 70x7 (Matthew 18:21-22). With each memory he would show me, he would give me good ones, too. I didn't remember my mom's laugh, not even her smile, but I do now. I remember some fun things I did with her and many good things that I did with my grandma and aunt. The enemy used the dark to cover up the good. My nightmares stopped, and I was feeling pretty good. Well, the enemy wasn't happy. He took his attacks to a new level he hit me where I was most vulnerable: my children. The day before I went to that next appointment, the cops showed up to tell me Eliana was suicidal and had been cutting. Talk about not seeing a storm coming I was ready to throw in the towel. I even started to contemplate ending my own life. I mean, after all, it was my fault my 11-year-old felt this way. I mean what kind of mom doesn't know, right? I thought I was weighing down my family. I was a failure; my health was causing all kinds of financial stress, and they would be better off without me. I had so much love poured over me that day and so many prayers that I fought the urge, and when Mandy called and asked if I was going to go to the next appointment, I said. I was going because I needed to heal so I could help my children better. At that appointment, I learned my identity in Christ and many chains started to break. Many of the chains I wore weren't even mine to carry, but I was. At a young age, I was diagnosed with HPV, no doubt given to me by one of the people who molested me. Every six weeks since I can remember, I go into the DR., and a chunk of my cervix is cut to be biopsied. The Dr told me that my insides had changed so much that it looked like a bathroom tiled floor. I always get ready to hear it finally turned to cancer. That chain I carried wasn't mine it had me living in fear and made me feel so dirty. Untop of HPV, I have been going 3x a week for an iron infusion., I have had such heavy periods that I have passed out, and at times, I can barely get out of bed to work. The tumor that I have on my adrenal gland didn't help either. It lets out all kinds of hormones, making my body flush, and the fatigue has been unbearable. It took me 3 times to go to the set free appointments. Each time, I was met with opposition. I had to fight through some tough situations. I relived some very dark situations in my past, and I'm still working through some of them. Yet, since set free, my Dr called and told me the HPV was gone. She said it does leave in some people, but she has never seen it change someone as much as it did me and just vanish. She thought for sure it was going to be cancer. I no longer have to go in for Iron infusions the levels have stabilized. My endocrinologist told me that the tumor on my adrenal had shrunk, and I found out all the polyps in my uterus were just cysts. I mean that alone, praise God. I stopped taking my Addrell, and drinking Red Bull. I started misusing my Adderall in Mexico to help me stay awake, and when I got home, I used it to help me keep working. I mean I was working so much trying to catch up that I didn't have time to sleep. I gave my pills to Joyce and gave my finances and worries to the Lord. I can't even explain it, but since I stopped trying to be the yoyo master and let God. My husband has been allowed to work 12-hour days, 7 days a week, if he wants. My car has been fixed, my bills are caught up, and we are working on fixing my van that I hit a deer with last year. My appliances in my home were falling apart and not working, and I was blessed with new ones. The list keeps growing because my heavenly father is in charge. Yet for me, the best thing that has happened since set free is the peace I feel. The enemy isn't done attacking; life keeps rocking my boat. Yet I know I'm not alone, that God is with me. I'm learning to accept his help; I'm learning to accept his love and the love of others. I don't need to be afraid. I am a daughter of the most high king, and I am not a mistake. I tell my story for his glory. All the broken is now where his light shines, and I give him all the praise for never leaving my side.

Poem written by my friend who went through the FIC Steps to Freedom.

Shackled to Freedom

Chains breaking

The world I once knew drifts away peacefully out to sea.

I am given a new anchor

A might and firm foundation.

Anchored in His truth;

I am Loved

I am healed

I am His

I have been bound in unseen chains,

Held captive by the father of lies.

Suffering in bondage and shame.

But God!!

I was hurt so bad!

He whispers, “You are healed”

I am so broken! “You are my masterpiece”

I can't trust anyone “You can trust in me”

Every one leaves eventually “I am always with you”

If you've always been there, then why?! “ I love you”

Why didn't you stop it?! “They have been delt with”

How can I know this time is real? “I am your God”

It can't be….”It is so”

But…how? “I will lead you “

I am so afraid. “I am with you always”

“Daughter,

Steo into my light. I am here waiting.

Step out of the darkness. It is so cold where you have been. I will give you warmth. Trust me.

I love you deeper than the oceans, as far as the heavens and beyond. I know you. I knit you together. I created you and will never leave you.”

Oh God, I can't take any more!

Help me. Shine your light on me.

Suddenly, I am free. Chains breaking, fall and scatter on the ground. My body feels light. I can finally breathe. I can finally see. The past exists no more. I look around for the shackled on the ground.

You have collected each and every piece and threw them out to sea. Scattered for ever. It shall be found, no more.

I would love to invite each one of you to experience your own freedom in Christ. Please pray fully consider going through a FIC Discipleship Course and going through the prayer time called the Steps to Freedom. Jesus is ready, willing and waiting to set you free.

Tuesday, February 4, 2025

Goodbyes

God is with us in the goodbyes.

Because the hand of the Lord was upon me, I took courage. Ezra 7:28b

The man who loves God is known by God. I Cor. 8:3

There is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live. I Cor. 8:6

The gracious hand of our God is on everyone who looks to Him. Ezra 8:22b

O Lord You know me. You know when I sit and when I riase.

You know my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down.

You're familiar with all my ways. You hem me in - behind and before.

You have laid Your hand upon me. Ps. 139:1-3 & 5

Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God! I Cor. 10:31

Spent the weekend with Lydia in Chicago before saying goodbye.

We were blessed by a meaningful worship service with not just Lydia's church, Subka Sahara, but with all 12 (or was it 15?) Park Churches. Inspiring to hear them reaching Chicago for Jesus!

Then we had to say goodbye...it's hard seeing my kids cry so hard...have to separate...I wish I could take their pain away...thankful for the love in the sadness...thankful God is in the hard with us...

My precious Heart to Heart group.
I love these ladies! I am honored to see the Lord at work in their lives.
It's powerful and beautiful. I am humbled by their love, appreciation, and encouragement.