Last Hours

Goodbyes as Achia is down to her last day or hours. Our kids said their goodbyes. Now we sit with Dad and Mom and wait. It's quiet. Dad says Jesus is here with his hand out ready.

Come Lord Jesus!

Ordained

Yesterday was so hard again with Achia waning away yet she played with her round toy again. It just made dad and all of say what are we doing?!

Agonizing.

Today Achia is pretty out and resting which is better. 

This morning I begged God to speak and assure us. I read psalm 139 and verse 16 says God ordained Achias days before she was born. Hedecided, He knows the day, He knew this would be the way. Nothing we did, didn't do or decided makes a difference, God ordained it. I rest in that truth.

Prayer from my friend:

Father,

You see every layer of this. You saw her as a child hungry, unseen, hurting. And You see her now surrounded, loved, held. So right now, I’m asking You rewrite what this feels like in their hearts.

Where it feels like she’s suffering, remind them this is not that. This is not neglect. This is not abandonment. This is a body gently shutting down as You prepare to bring her home.

God, cover Achia in peace. If there is any discomfort, ease it. If there is any fear, quiet it. Let her feel safe like she’s being carried, not left. Let her feel full in a way that has nothing to do with food full of love, full of warmth, full of You.

And God… for Mandy be so close to her right now. In every moment where her heart feels like it’s breaking in slow motion, hold her together. When her mind drifts back to what Achia endured before, and it mixes with what she’s seeing now, step in and separate those things. This is not suffering alone. This is being surrounded by love.

Give her peace when she feels helpless, rest when she can’t fix anything, and the quiet assurance that just being there is enough.

Let them feel You in the room steady, present, near. And God for her parents the ones who chose her, loved her, raised her please be their strength right now. This is not how a parent ever wants to love their child to sit and watch, to not be able to stop it.

When it feels like they’re letting her suffer, when old wounds try to rise up and speak lies, silence that with truth.

Remind them: they did not fail her. they gave her love, safety, and a home. And now they are loving her all the way to the end. Hold them together when the weight feels unbearable. Sit with them in the quiet, in the waiting, in the grief. Let Your presence fill that room thick, undeniable, gentle. Bring a peace that doesn’t make sense, but somehow steadies their hearts anyway. And in every moment that feels too heavy, whisper it again and again that you are there. She is safe. She is loved. She is going home.

Again I thank you for this beautiful family and allowing me to see your love in action through them. I love you and I give you all the praise.

In Jesus name Amen.

How Long Oh Lord

Waiting. Death is hard but the process is terrible. We did not know it would be so agonizing and awful.

Achia started to look sad Sunday. She's weak, sleeping more, yet vitals are still strong. She's simply a survive and a miracle. Our comfort is that she isn't suffering.

Oh my poor parents...it hurts them so bad to watch this process. They just hold her to comfort her and them. Ever day gets harder.

We continue to pray for God's mercy for Achia. Comfort us Lord!

Easter weekend was so meaningful in a new and real way. Jesus understands. He enters our pain. Defeating death and new life in the resurrection is what we hold onto. 

A few verses that spoke to me this Easter:

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.

Matt. 26:38 My heart is overwhelmed with sorrow.

Matt. 26:39 If it is possible take this from me...but Your will be done.

John 16:20 You will grieve but your grief will turn to joy.

Lydia had some meaningful reflections on John 11 where Jesus raised Lazarus. Jesus waited, didn't answer the way the family wanted - so God would be glorified. Jesus went to comfort them. Jesus is life and those who are in Him live forever. When Jesus saw the family crying, He cried with them. He entered their pain. Jesus chose to go see where Lazarus was laid. He went to the unpleasant, hard and disturbing. He was deeply moved by it. He reminded the family to believe- I'm Lazarus' life. And Jesus called him to come to Him and live.

Beautifu comfort and truth.

Lydia and Grace went back to college and had to say their goodbyes to Achia. Nothing easy about that. No words, just tears. Lydia prayed for Achia. The girls told her they'd see her in heaven. Grace doesn't want anymore goodbyes. I'm so thankful we could be with the girls and see them, but makes us want to stay together.

Sorrow and Love

 I can't begin to explain the emotional roller coaster we're on.

So beautiful and sorrow. Holy and grieving. Precious and agony.

Last night Achia surprised us while singing the doxology around her bed with her I'm happy and content hand tap. We'd thought we'd never see it again. Then she blessed us with her form of a kiss. We had Achia again! 

But we don't... Seeing our Achia again made the pain of letting go so much harder! The process of dying is horrible. Waiting, questions, unknowns. Not too long Lord, but not today.

I cried before the Lord today. I wanted answers, I needed assurance. I feel Him say, I'm here. I'm in this.

I see my dad hurting, wrestling, and worried. He doesn't want to see Achia suffer. 

At the Good Friday service the line, "sorrow and love flow mingle down" spoke to me. That's what it is. Both. Jesus knew it in His death and we do too.

All we can do is be in the both right now. Praying and trusting God for mercy and peace.

Pray for Achia

Here are the updates on my dear sister Achia:

Saturday March 28: Please pray for my sister Achia. She was in the ER all day yesterday. They could not figure out what was wrong, but my parents felt she was in pain. Achia is blind and can't talk so it was hard to know. Achia has a very high pain tolerance. She didn't open her eyes and was agitated.

Things got serious as her blood pressure went down and heart rate went up. They finally figured out her bowels were twisted and she went into emergency surgery. They had to stabilize her first.

Achia is very sick. She survived the surgery but they had to take out 3/4 of her small intestine. They left her partially open to do surgery again Sunday to see if the remaining 1/4 survived. Achia is sedated and has a breathing tube. They are trying to balance her meds and low blood pressure. It is touch and go. If she survives her life will be very different.

Please pray for my parents as they love Achia so much. They do not want her to suffer. I hurt for them.

Pray for Josh and I to know what to do. We are praying about going to be with them. We are in Portugal right now for FIC leadership meetings.

[3/30, 5:26 AM]: Hello everyone. Thank you for all your prayers. I know none of this is about me but I feel totally stressed over the decisions and situation.

First of all, Achia had her second surgery which was more positive than the first. She is still in ICU and still left open for a third surgery on Tuesday. Last I heard she'll be in ICU or the hospital for a couple weeks, she'll have a feeding tube and a colostomy. Our prayer continues to be, don't let her suffer Lord. I'm praying be merciful.

We are still in Portugal. Our meetings ended Friday but we planned a five day vacation before going back to Uganda. We're thankful for time to figure out what to do and how to do it. My family has requested we come to be with them and help. We had to cancel our original tickets and are trying to book tickets to Michigan. It's a lot of decisions, money and time traveling. We decided to do a one way ticket because of all the unknowns but we hope to be there two weeks. This is very unsettling for all of us. We didn't pack for this, didn't leave things in Uganda in order, and the kids homeschool. Pray for peace and provision. Thanks!

[3/30, 8:05 AM]: Just got an update. Achia is not doing well. Her kidneys aren't functioning we'll, blood pressure down in the 40s and her feet are cold. My parents are praying for wisdom to know if they should give her heart meds or let her go.

We will try to get tickets for a flight tomorrow.

Thanks for praying.

[3/31, 3:41 AM]: We're in the airport sad to leave our beautiful vacation and feel sick going to go and face the sad reality that my sister is dying.

We have about 16 hours of travel before we land in GR at 8:30pm. We plan to settle our kids at home then Josh and I will go to the hospital.

Hospice has been called in for Achia. We believe God is being merciful to Achia but it is terribly hard for everyone to understand and let go. My parents are amazing and as always showing selfless love to Achia. Please pray for them as they grieve and trust God.

Thank you.

[4/1, 4:56 PM] Mandy Shaarda:

Hello from Michigan! We made it at 12:30 last night. Thank you for praying for us.

This is Achia's care bridge page that you can see updates.

Achia has a lot of visitors which dad and mom love. Everyone knows it's a holy place in Achia's room.

Josh and I came up about 8am. She had a rough night but was comfortable and asleep when we were here. Lots of family came, lots of tears, and love. Our kids came up around 11am. Hard but they did well. Makai played in the waiting room but did come and see Achia too.

This afternoon they took Achia's breathing tube out. She did well and is more awake now. They can now hold Achia and my mom is now napping with Achia in Achia's bed. Achia loves her touches. Does everyone's hearts good.

But the waiting. I hear my sister and parents on a roller coaster of emotions. Now that she a little more Achia again they want to keep her again. But the reality is her stomach is still open, she'll never be able to eat again and be forever hooked to tubes. Painful to keep saying goodbye and not want the final goodbye. Could be any day or two weeks.

Trusting in the Lord who defeated death, our Risen lord and Savior.

https://www.caringbridge.org/site/12acddad-2bd5-11f1-bcf4-d957f5e4b46a?utm_source=website_share&utm_medium=share_button&utm_term=&utm_content=link_share_button&utm_campaign=private_home_page

God Healed Makai

 

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.

When I called on the name of the Lord; the Lord saved.

The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted. When I was in great need, He saved.

Be at rest oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to me.

Psalm 118

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid...The is with me; He is my Helper.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.

Adoption!

For those of you who have not heard our big new, we are adopting a baby!

The beginning of December Josh and I were on a date when I said to him, I think the Lord may be putting adoption on my heart again. He right away said then we should do it. I was surprised by this because Josh doesn't usually say yes right away and needs time with change. 

We both decided to ask and seek the Lord in the next week. I felt the Lord's peace and Him affirming. The last few months on a healing journey with my friend from a horrible childhood made me feel we could help and love another child. Josh had been going through the Experiencing God Bible study and knew God was leading him to adopt again. When Josh had his time with the Lord he read Psalm 127. Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. Josh felt the Lord confirmed we were to adopt a son.

So we met with Adoption Associates where my oldest sister just happens to be the director. She was excited because they were about to put out a newletter asking for more adoptive families of children of any race. It is always a need. We felt the Lord sent us and she felt the Lord sent us to them. It is absolutely the Lord! From there we got started on the process.

A week later when Lydia and Grace came home for Christmas break from college, we felt we should share with the kids. I think I was so consumed in the whirwind of Jesus calling us to adopting and starting the process in less than two weeks time, I didn't plan telling the kids very well and didn't expect the big, beautiful reaction.  So after supper Josh told the kids we had something to share with them, we feel the Lord leading us to adopt another child. The girls all screamed with joy!!! Makai was totally startled (he hates loud, unexpected noises) and started to cry. Luka was playing it cool.

Once we got Makai settled he was so excited and said his tears were happy tears. We shared and they asked questions. You see our kids have been asking since we adopted Makai for us to adopt again. Makai has been asking for the last year. He told Josh to pray for a baby and Josh prayed a simple, vague prayer. Makai said no, like this. "Dear God please give us a baby, amen. There Dad, it's gonna happen!" Don't you love childlike faith?! He also tells us he wants twins and I don't have faith that will happen - God knows my limits. The kids were talking about names (like Arrow from Ps. 127). Grace was texting her friends then she said this is the best Christmas present ever! I was very surprised our kids over the top joyful response. They were more excited than me. What amazing kids we have! We're all in.

I'll be honest my joy and peace hasn't always remained. Doing the homestudy in our last month in Michigan and transitioning back to Uganda has made me really question, can I do this? Sometimes I was almost panicking, I can't do this! I wanted to back out on fear and selfish feelings. But God continues to speak to me. It is true I can't do it, but God called us and He will do it in and through me. This is trusting in the Lord. Depending on Him in all my weaknesses. In my Experiencing God Bible Study it reminded me that you don't make decisions based on feeling, situations or experiences. You make decisions based on that is right in God's Word. Based on Truth. I was also encouraged by a book I heard about on the radio called Chosen. Building Your Family the way God Builds His. The author says we don't adopt out of biology but theology. Adopted people, adopt people. Chosen people, choose people. That's us! The author affirmed that adoption is a spiritual battle because satan wants nothing to do with brokenness being loved and healed through adoption. Josh is always saying and telling others, we adopt because God adopted us. It is the Father's heart and it is showing the Gospel to the world. 

Another way I was so very encouraged was through my friend Rebecca. My dear friend had a horrible childhood and when I told her we were going to adopt again she was so, so happy and cried. I told her she was one of the reasons we were going to adopt. She thanked me because this child will be so loved. Her rejoicing with me was just what I needed. She didn't think we are crazy, even though we are 47 years old, she knew our family could love another child who needs our love. She text me later saying, "What's not to be excited about?! This baby that God has for you is going to be loved beyond measure and that my dear friend makes my heart so happy." A few weeks later I shared with her that moving back to Uganda made me feel like I can't do this. She encouraged me that I can. All I was called to do was love this child and she said I was made to love.

Once we knew we were adopting we began to pray for our child. When we began the process til we get back to the States is 9 months, so it just may be that God called us the same time He was creating His child. And this baby has been prayed over each day of his life. Beautiful. I love hearing Josh pray for our baby and our kids, but I find it very powerful when I pray. The first time I prayed for him it felt like a spiritual victory and declaration. This baby is the Lords, God is the author of his life, He is making him, He is with him in the unseen place, He knows the plan for him, He protects him, forms him, loves him, this baby is God's child! So, no weapon formed against him will prosper! No trauma, pain or lies in Jesus name. We pray for the birth mother to love this child and do loving things for her baby. We pray she and birth father come to know the Lord through this life. Our child is God's child and He will never leave him and will always and forever love him. Thank you God for Your promises! We trust You.

Please join us in praying for our baby and for the Lord to prepare us. We plan to come back to Michigan the first of August. We will have a short home study on the house we will be staying in and then we will be ready to welcome our baby home. Of course we don't know God's timing, but we'll be ready in August. If the adoption is a safe delivery, which is how we got our precious Makai, we will get a call from Adoption Associates and have 24 hours to go to the hospital to get our baby. (A safe delivery in Michigan is when the birthmother can tell the hospital she cannot care for this child, her rights are terminated and the child will go right into an adoptive family, no foster care.) Big changes coming! Thanks for praying with us.

I read this again today. What beautiful truth and promises for our baby!