Grieving

Achia died peacefully yesterday (April 17). She's with Jesus at last.

Yesterday began like a normal day in ICU with Achia. Dad and Mom have stayed overnight with Achia since last week Friday. My sisters went up to be there for the doctor visit and let our parents go for breakfast. Doctor said there were no near death signs and the still said hours to days but wouldn't say today. Same as we heard all week. 

But doctors aren't God.

About 15 minutes later Achia's breathing changed. Dad and Mom sat next to her and whispered, go Achia. Do you see Jesus.

And Achia peacefully breathed her last breath.

God's mercy. She was peaceful, it was quick and my parents were with her.

I got the call that her breathing changed and Josh and I were out the door. (It was the only day this week we hadn't gone up by then...) On the way Achia died.

It was a long, hard, last walk up to that hospital room. And then the grieving began.

I read that your grieving is equal to how much you loved. And we all loved a whole lot.

But my parents loved Achia like no one else loved her. To see them cry over their little girl was heartwrenching. 

Most of my siblings and their spouses were together in the hospital room grieving with our parents. It was a beautiful mix of sorrow and loss, worship and prayer, hope and heaven, remembering and goodbyes. As we worshipped I could see Achia in a white dress twirling before the Lord. Jesus took Achia home but He didn't leave us. He still grieved with us.

Achia saw for the first time and she saw the Savior. She spoke for the first time and it was praise. She can eat again after 3 weeks with no stomach. She has a new body. No disabilities, no seizures. New life, real life - forever.

The pain of leaving...final goodbye...is just too much. Honestly, I wanted to yell no, stop, I hate this, can't be true! Oh God. I am thankful we were together and went through it together. It was sad walk out of the hospital.

Going home to tell our kids...another grieving. No one knew what to do with themselves. How do you move on. Most of the Beute family gathered together for supper, to be together. 

Pray for my parents. Their loss is so great, their arms so empty, house so quiet, hearts so broken. Everything in their lives has just changed. May the only One who knows and can mend their hearts meet them in their time of need - in every moment of their grieving. 

I couldn't be more honored to be with my parents in this journey. They have taught us so much once again.

I love you Achia and God does too!

Lasts

 

I cherish my days up at the hospital with Achia, Dad, Mom and my siblings. Thankful I can be there till the end. Everyday is a gift and everyday one day closer to Achia going to heaven. I had a couple precious alone times with Achia. We finished reading the Psalms together and as the Psalms say we praised the Lord from my bed. We read about what heaven will be like from Revelations. And we read prayers from the book Every Moment Holy. With tears we wait in Hope.

Pray for my parents as they are emotionally weary watching their child slowly leave us. No parent should have to go through this. What a helpless feeling. You just want to stop it all from happening. Yet long for the Lord to take Achia home to her healing and glory. Sometimes our hearts want to break.

Every night before we leave we pray together and sometimes we sing. Then tell Achia see you later - tomorrow or in heaven.

Little Blessings

The hours have turned to days...only God knows the day, time and why.

We choose faith, hope and trust as we can't understand. 

But love abounds in the waiting. From Achia, Dad and Mom, the family and overflows from Achia's room to the people around us, the hurting, and sick. God is still using Achia.

Today we got to take Achia for a walk! She always loved walks and sunshine so today was the day! It was a sweet moment for all of us. A blessing.

2 Corinthians 5:1-9 NLT

[1] For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. [2] We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. [3] For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. [4] While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. [5] God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. [6] So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. [7] For we live by believing and not by seeing. [8] Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. [9] So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. 

https://bible.com/bible/116/2co.5.1-9.NLT

Last Hours

Goodbyes as Achia is down to her last day or hours. Our kids said their goodbyes. Now we sit with Dad and Mom and wait. It's quiet. Dad says Jesus is here with his hand out ready.

Come Lord Jesus!

Ordained

Yesterday was so hard again with Achia waning away yet she played with her round toy again. It just made dad and all of say what are we doing?!

Agonizing.

Today Achia is pretty out and resting which is better. 

This morning I begged God to speak and assure us. I read psalm 139 and verse 16 says God ordained Achias days before she was born. Hedecided, He knows the day, He knew this would be the way. Nothing we did, didn't do or decided makes a difference, God ordained it. I rest in that truth.

Prayer from my friend:

Father,

You see every layer of this. You saw her as a child hungry, unseen, hurting. And You see her now surrounded, loved, held. So right now, I’m asking You rewrite what this feels like in their hearts.

Where it feels like she’s suffering, remind them this is not that. This is not neglect. This is not abandonment. This is a body gently shutting down as You prepare to bring her home.

God, cover Achia in peace. If there is any discomfort, ease it. If there is any fear, quiet it. Let her feel safe like she’s being carried, not left. Let her feel full in a way that has nothing to do with food full of love, full of warmth, full of You.

And God… for Mandy be so close to her right now. In every moment where her heart feels like it’s breaking in slow motion, hold her together. When her mind drifts back to what Achia endured before, and it mixes with what she’s seeing now, step in and separate those things. This is not suffering alone. This is being surrounded by love.

Give her peace when she feels helpless, rest when she can’t fix anything, and the quiet assurance that just being there is enough.

Let them feel You in the room steady, present, near. And God for her parents the ones who chose her, loved her, raised her please be their strength right now. This is not how a parent ever wants to love their child to sit and watch, to not be able to stop it.

When it feels like they’re letting her suffer, when old wounds try to rise up and speak lies, silence that with truth.

Remind them: they did not fail her. they gave her love, safety, and a home. And now they are loving her all the way to the end. Hold them together when the weight feels unbearable. Sit with them in the quiet, in the waiting, in the grief. Let Your presence fill that room thick, undeniable, gentle. Bring a peace that doesn’t make sense, but somehow steadies their hearts anyway. And in every moment that feels too heavy, whisper it again and again that you are there. She is safe. She is loved. She is going home.

Again I thank you for this beautiful family and allowing me to see your love in action through them. I love you and I give you all the praise.

In Jesus name Amen.

How Long Oh Lord

Waiting. Death is hard but the process is terrible. We did not know it would be so agonizing and awful.

Achia started to look sad Sunday. She's weak, sleeping more, yet vitals are still strong. She's simply a survive and a miracle. Our comfort is that she isn't suffering.

Oh my poor parents...it hurts them so bad to watch this process. They just hold her to comfort her and them. Ever day gets harder.

We continue to pray for God's mercy for Achia. Comfort us Lord!

Easter weekend was so meaningful in a new and real way. Jesus understands. He enters our pain. Defeating death and new life in the resurrection is what we hold onto. 

A few verses that spoke to me this Easter:

John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.

Matt. 26:38 My heart is overwhelmed with sorrow.

Matt. 26:39 If it is possible take this from me...but Your will be done.

John 16:20 You will grieve but your grief will turn to joy.

Lydia had some meaningful reflections on John 11 where Jesus raised Lazarus. Jesus waited, didn't answer the way the family wanted - so God would be glorified. Jesus went to comfort them. Jesus is life and those who are in Him live forever. When Jesus saw the family crying, He cried with them. He entered their pain. Jesus chose to go see where Lazarus was laid. He went to the unpleasant, hard and disturbing. He was deeply moved by it. He reminded the family to believe- I'm Lazarus' life. And Jesus called him to come to Him and live.

Beautifu comfort and truth.

Lydia and Grace went back to college and had to say their goodbyes to Achia. Nothing easy about that. No words, just tears. Lydia prayed for Achia. The girls told her they'd see her in heaven. Grace doesn't want anymore goodbyes. I'm so thankful we could be with the girls and see them, but makes us want to stay together.

Sorrow and Love

 I can't begin to explain the emotional roller coaster we're on.

So beautiful and sorrow. Holy and grieving. Precious and agony.

Last night Achia surprised us while singing the doxology around her bed with her I'm happy and content hand tap. We'd thought we'd never see it again. Then she blessed us with her form of a kiss. We had Achia again! 

But we don't... Seeing our Achia again made the pain of letting go so much harder! The process of dying is horrible. Waiting, questions, unknowns. Not too long Lord, but not today.

I cried before the Lord today. I wanted answers, I needed assurance. I feel Him say, I'm here. I'm in this.

I see my dad hurting, wrestling, and worried. He doesn't want to see Achia suffer. 

At the Good Friday service the line, "sorrow and love flow mingle down" spoke to me. That's what it is. Both. Jesus knew it in His death and we do too.

All we can do is be in the both right now. Praying and trusting God for mercy and peace.